


All my nightmares escaped my head, bar the door, please don't let them in.

by Babybuckleydiaz



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Buck Suffers From Depression, Comforting Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz can cook here, Eddie Diaz is a Good Husband, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley is Christopher Diaz's Parent, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Married Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), References to Depression, Worried Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29508510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babybuckleydiaz/pseuds/Babybuckleydiaz
Summary: “Hey, don’t do that. You have nothing to apologise for.” Eddie explained with an expression so gentle that Buck feels unworthy of receiving right now, chewing into his lower lip so hard that Eddie was worried for a moment of Buck biting through it.“You want to let me know what’s going on in that head of yours, now?”And just like that, the damn that Buck had been trying to keep strong all day just breaks as he gasps through a sob; tears that had been burning in his eyes all day sliding down his cheeks.a.k.a: Buck has a terrible mental health day and Eddie is a wonderful husband
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 4
Kudos: 187





	All my nightmares escaped my head, bar the door, please don't let them in.

**Author's Note:**

> this idea has been playing in my head for a few days, so i thought maybe i should finally write it.   
> i apologise for any spelling mistakes and grammar errors, but thank you for reading

_Don’t pay no mind to the demons that fill you with fear.  
The trouble it might drag you down, if you get lost you can always be found.  
Just know you’re not alone, cause I’m going to make this place your home.  
-Home by Phillip Phillips_

When Buck had woken up that morning, encased in warm blankets and the safe embrace of his husband, he thought that he was going to be a wonderful yet normal day. It was only seconds after opening his eyes that he had realised that wasn’t going to be the case at all. With the light peeking in through the curtains too harsh for Buck to handle yet, he closed his eyes once more and turned his face into the crook of Eddie’s elbow that had been supporting his head. The young firefighter can’t help but frown to himself, trying to understand and yet ignore that negative feeling that was beginning to bubble up in his stomach and leading into his chest. He’s forever thankful that today was a day off and only a half day for the older male laying sleep beside him; meaning he can just take the moment to lie here.

_He wishes he could go back to sleep and maybe not wake up._

Almost as if the thought had been physically painful, Buck blinks his eyes back open and moves so he’s sitting up now; the blanket that had been over his shoulder pooling in his lap as he frowns so deeply to himself. Moving slow so he doesn’t disturb the still sleeping Eddie, he covers his eyes with the palms of his hands and begins to take deep calming breaths; an attempt to ground himself from whatever is going on in his head.

He feels on edge, a lump in his throat that he doesn’t believe is going to go away any time soon, no matter how hard he tries to swallow it down. He has an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach that he hasn’t felt in so long and he can’t help but be left confused. He feels physically and mentally drained in ways that he hasn’t since getting together with Eddie and starting the rest of his life with his husband and Christopher. He lowers his hand, resting his arms on his lap as he looks around the room as if he was searching for something; once more trying to swallow down the painful lump in his throat. He feels as though he’s one mental push from bursting into tears despite having absolutely nothing to cry about.

“What the hell is going on with me?” His voice is rough with sleep and yet impossibly soft, the sound barely above a whisper as he pushes the blanket off of his legs and swings them over the edge of the bed. He made the move to go to his chest of drawers to pick out some pants, but instead felt as though he had absolutely no energy so he settles on the pair that he dumped on the floor from the previous night. Looking over his shoulder to look at his husband and debates on waking the older man up to let him know what is going on, but he quickly settles on the letting Eddie sleep until his alarm wakes him up.

With making as little sound as he possibly could, Buck creeps out of the bedroom and closes the door behind him before making his way down the corridor; stopping in front of the empty room that would usually still hold a sleeping Christopher. But their kid had been invited to a sleepover, getting picked up by Eddie when the other man makes his way home from his shift. With Christopher though, the silence in the house they call their own feels suffocating and deafening to Buck right now. Shaking his head and worrying into his lower lip, Buck continues his steps until he finds himself in the kitchen; still clean. He begins itching at the palm of his hand.

On his way to make himself a cup of tea like he does every morning, Buck instead decides that he doesn’t want to go through the effort of making himself one; not in the mood for one. He bypasses the kitchen all together, making his way into the living room, standing in the door way as he looks around the room; unable to help that he feels a little loss in a place that he knows like the back of his hand.

“Evan?”

Jumping in surprise, Buck can’t help that little gasp that he makes as he places a hand over his chest while turning around quickly. Standing behind him is Eddie, rubbing his eyes while yawning; but he has a little concerned expression while looking at his husband. “I called your name a couple times, baby. You okay?” Questions the older male, and Buck frowns in response to what had been said to him, he hadn’t heard anyone call his name since walking out into the kitchen and living room. He must have been extremely zoned out.

“O-Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry.” Buck quickly apologises, forcing a smile on his face that feels so wrong and out of place, draining more energy that he didn’t really have in the first place. “I didn’t hear you, must have zoned out.” Was his weak excuse, and for a moment Eddie just looks at him with a look that means he’s clearly searching for an answer that Buck is revealing. “You look a little tired, Buck. Did you sleep okay?” Even with the concern in his voice, a clear sign that he’s worried and knows more than what Buck is letting on; he’s obviously not trying to pressure his husband into talking right now. And that is something that the younger man is so extremely grateful for, another reason that he counts himself so lucky to be married to a man like Eddie Diaz.

“Yeah, but I’m always tired when I wake up.” Buck laughs, but the sound is a little too breathy and unlike his usual laugh when he’s joking, but Eddie knows his limits. If Buck wanted to talk about something then he would, Eddie would never get anywhere being pushy and demanding answers. So he leaves this conversation for now, but he lets his eyes linger on Buck a little longer when he moves closer; taking a moment to press a quick morning kiss to Buck’s lips and then stepping away.

“Bobby called me, he needs me to come in a little earlier.” Eddie explained, and Buck had wondered why the other man was up before his alarm sounded anyway; that men slept like a log. “Oh.” The disappointment in Eddie’s voice was obvious when he replies, blinking rapidly for a moment before he just smiles at his husband with so much understanding behind it. “You still finishing at the same time though?” And Buck hopes, hopes so bad, that he gets a yes in reply to his question because he doesn’t think he can go the whole day without his partner’s loving presence around him. “No because I can leave a little earlier, so I’ll be home at around four.” Eddie explained, and Buck just nodded his head in response as he watch Eddie walk towards the shower, getting ready for the day.

And Buck makes his way to the couch, laying down and curling up so impossibly small for someone his size under a small and tattered blanket used for decoration mostly. Maybe he can sleep this day, and this horrible numb feeling in his gut, away.

\--------

When Eddie gets out of the shoer, he doesn’t expect to find Buck out cold on the couch under a blanket; since Buck himself has stated that he doesn’t enjoy sleeping through the day. Dressed and ready to head into work, Eddie takes a moment out of his time to kneel in front of Buck’s head, gently using his hand to thread fingers through the other man’s hair with a worrying expression clear on his features. “Oh baby, what’s going on in that head of yours?” He questions on deaf ears, he shakes his head to himself as he lowers his hand to cup Buck’s cheek, using the pad of his thumb to gently brush over his cheekbone.

Leaning over, he presses a kiss to Buck’s forehead before he’s forcing himself to get to his feet; not wanting to really leave Buck alone when it’s obvious that something is troubling mind of his. He makes his way towards the front door, grabbing his keys as he passes a bench. And with one last concerned look thrown over his shoulder, he leaves the house and begins to make his way to work.

He hopes that Buck will be okay while he’s gone.

\--------

Before leaving the fire station once his shift had ended, he took the time before climbing into his car to ring Carla to ask if she could take Christopher for the night instead of picking him up. She had accepted with no hesitations once Eddie had explained that there was something going on with Buck, the other woman telling him to look after her husband and she’ll make sure Christopher has a great night. He was extremely grateful and made a mental note to thank her in person tomorrow when his son is dropped off, but right now he was concerned about Buck and making sure that the younger male was doing okay. He obviously had been struggling when Eddie had left that morning, wanting to pretend that everything was okay but not quiet managing to convince his husband.

The drive home felt far too long when all he wanted to do was get there quickly, seeming to catch every red light and be stuck behind every slow driver on the road. His firsts clench tightly around the steering wheel, feeling more annoyance then what it warranted in his current place. He just wanted to get home to his husband.

So the fifteen minute driver felt like it took years by the time he pulls into the drive, pulling up behind Buck’s jeep that told him the younger man was still home. Jumping out of the car and grabbing his belongings, Eddie jumps out of his car and walks up quickly to his front door, briefly wondering if Buck had spent the whole day alone in his current mental state. But the scene that he walks in onto shows that, yes, Buck had spent the whole day alone in silence.

The blond firefighter was exactly where Eddie had left him when he had left for work that morning, curled up on the couch with his eyes open yet seemingly miles away. And Eddie just takes a moment to stand there and take in his partner’s appearance, red rimmed eyes against a pale complexion. Buck isn’t okay and Eddie wishes that he hadn’t gone into work, because Buck needed him more than anything else did right now.

“Buck?” He says in a voice so soft, and that had been like enough to get Buck’s attention because he watches the other’s eyes snap to his attention as the younger man pushes himself into sitting up. “Hey babe, welcome home.” It seems to take so much of his being to force himself into standing up, making his way over to his husband and wrapping the shorter man into a hug and kissing him briefly. “Where’s Chris?” Buck questions when he notices that their kid is nowhere to be seen, and Eddie closes the door behind him when he responds. “I asked Carla if she could have him for the night.” Buck frowns in confusion at why Eddie had done that, and then sighs as he shakes his head instead of questioning anything right now.

“Did you lay there all day?” Eddie questions a little hesitantly, but there was no judgement in his tone and instead all Buck could here was genuine concern; and for some reason that brings back the tears in the blonde’s eyes. “Y-Yeah, I did. Sorry.” Being honest, neither Buck nor Eddie had any idea why her had felt the need to apologise, but it was falling from the younger’s lips before he could begin to stop them. “Hey, don’t do that. You have nothing to apologise for.” Eddie explained with an expression so gentle that Buck feels unworthy of receiving right now, chewing into his lower lip so hard that Eddie was worried for a moment of Buck biting through it.

“You want to let me know what’s going on in that head of yours, now?”

And just like that, the damn that Buck had been trying to keep strong all day just breaks as he gasps through a sob; tears that had been burning in his eyes all day sliding down his cheeks. “I-I-I don’t know!” Buck bites through his tight throat as he stands there looking so lost in front of his husband, whose heart shattered at the words sound so harshly and heart achingly. “Hey, hey, that’s okay, baby. That’s okay.” Eddie is quick to sooth and move forward, because it seems as though Buck’s legs had decided to give up on supporting his weight as he just drops; everything in him completely drained. But Eddie holds his husband as he lowers them both to the ground, feeling Buck grip the back of his shirt so tightly in between his trembling fingers; face buried against the crook of his neck.

For a moment, Eddie just continues to hold onto his distraught husband while whispering sweet encouragements in his ear; Buck hanging onto him so tightly as if letting go would mean losing him. “Come on, baby. We’re going to move to the couch.” Eddie explained in a voice that is filled with all the patience and understanding in the world, detangling himself from his husband who sniffs and rubs harshly at his eyes. Nodding his head, the action barely noticeable, Buck allows himself to be pulled to his feet by the older male and directed towards the couch.

Eddie helps Buck to sit down first, then places himself beside his husband and leaning forward so he can grab Buck’s horrible shaking hands tightly within his own. He takes a second, though, to bring one of Buck’s hands up to his lips and press a loving gentle kiss against the other’s knuckles; something that Buck would have made a loud laugh in response to. This time, Eddie notices, that the corner of Buck’s lips barely twitch up a the action. Which, in all honesty, is something that the older of the duo had expected to be the reaction to his motions.

“The way that you’re feeling now is completely valid, Buck.” Eddie begins. “And it is so understandable, of course you’re going to have bad days.” Buck isn’t looking at his husband as the other speaks, instead he has his eyes glued onto his and Eddie’s intertwined fingers with no intention of looking away. “And I know it feels like you’re progress has been undone, but I can promise you that it hasn’t.” Finally, due to the sincerity that Eddie’s voice holds, Buck looks up with tears still streaming carelessly from his eyes. Removing one of his hands from Buck’s, Eddie cups the side of the other’s cheek and uses the pad of his thumb to brush away the tears that seem as though they will never stop falling. “You have gone through so much and have worked so hard on moving passed it all, but days like this?” Eddie prompts on. “Days where getting out of bed feels like the hardest thing in the world? Where smiling seems as though it’s nearly impossible to do?” Buck bites into his lip once more, because Eddie is listing off everything that he has felt today, a clear sign that he knows so well what Buck has found himself going through.

“They’re natural, love. And when you have them, I will always be here to help you get through them.” Buck’s brow pulls together tightly as he swallows harshly, taking a shuddering breath as he nods to himself for a moment. “I fucking hate this.” The blonde hisses angrily, removing his hands from Eddie’s and burying his face in the palm of his hands; kneel supporting his elbows. Eddie allows him to go for a moment, just giving the Buck the moment that he needed to think through whatever was going on in the head of his. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I know this isn’t what you wanted to deal with right now-“ Eddie was shaking his head the moment that Buck had begun to apologise for something completely out of his control, and he rushes forward to place a hand on the back of the other’s neck.

With the very sudden but beyond gentle touch, Buck removes his face from his hands and Eddie will always hate seeing this side of Buck; who looks so heartbroken and lost. “You have nothing to apologise for, love. You don’t need to be sorry for anything.” Eddie promises, and even as he nods his head to what is being said; Buck still doesn’t look all that convinced at what Eddie is saying to him.

“I’m tired.” When Buck says that, Eddie is aware he means that in every way possible and beyond that, he’s physically and mentally drained but doesn’t think he could relax for rest. “I know, baby. So here’s what we are going to do.” Pushing himself up to his feet with a dramatic groan that Buck briefly smiles at, Eddie stands before his husband with his hand out stretched for the other to hold onto. “I’m going to run you a bath, and while you’re doing that I’m going to make us some dinner.” Eddie looks at Buck with a understanding expression on his face. “Because I’m willing to bet you haven’t eaten today.” Once more there isn’t any annoyance, anger or judgement in Eddie’s voice as he speaks; because he knows what it’s like to be trapped in this horrible mindset and the effects that it can have.

“I’ll make something light and easy on your stomach.” Eddie quickly supplies when he sees Buck open his mouth to say that he isn’t hungry or doesn’t think his stomach can handle it; because Buck needs to eat something before the day is over. Reluctantly, but understanding why Eddie is not giving him a choice, Buck agrees with what is being asked of him as he takes Eddie’s hand and is allowing himself to be pulled up from the comfortable cushions of the couch.

“Thanks for still being here, Eds.” Buck whispers out as they make their way down the hallway towards the bathroom, only for Eddie to stop them once he’s spoken to. That loving and gentle smile is still on his face, eyes so soft that Buck feels so much love well up in his chest at the expression being directed at him. “There is nowhere else I’d rather be.” Eddie says this like it’s no big deal, but Buck is used to people leaving him once things get too tough and he becomes too much. So it means everything to him that after everything that they’ve been through that Eddie is still by his side, unrelenting in his love of his husband.

“I really fucking love you.” The laugh that Buck lets out is mixed between that and a choked up sob, and Eddie leans forward and pushes himself up slightly to press a kiss against the other’s forehead. “Good, because I really love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, guys! i hope you all enjoyed it, but please let know what you think of this :) also sorry it's pretty short and no much happens, but it's been stuck in my head so why not? I really hope you all did like it :)


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